10-4 Magazine / May 2025 29 Health & Happiness: By Dr. Terence P. Hannigan, Ph.D Difficult people may cross your path, but they can (and should)notdetermineyourdestination. Stayfocusedonyour goalsandkeepmovingforward. Ittookmeafewdecadesto conclude that I was mistaken in believing I could get along with everyone. Ieventuallymetenoughdifficultpeople(DPs)that forcedmetorevisethatrathernaivebeliefaboutmyself. Now I realize I can’t get along with every single person, but I have come up with some tips to deal with the DPs in my life. We all have DPs in our lives – people who annoy us, who always have a bone to pick, who will be quick to criticize or objecttoanideaweputforward. Whenyouthinkaboutit,you may even feel yourself getting tense or angry when recalling the last exchanges you had with the difficult people (DP) in your life. Ifthisringstrueforyou,whenyoucrosspathswithaDP, you are already in a difficult position because of this aroused defensiveness that you feel. Our work with dealing with DPs is to remain “in our heads” – logical, thoughtful, observing, and avoid going to the emotional place where we become a counterpoint in a conflict. Thisiseasiersaidthandone. Manyofusrecallsituationswhere we were pulled into matching the negativity of a DP and a conflict resulted, often with us muttering to ourselves, “I took thebait.” Weregretthatwedidn’tsidesteptheconflictbut insteadplayedrightintoit. So,Iofferthesedifferent,perhaps novel, ways of approaching the DPs in your life. For starters, who gets you going, and what is it about a DP that makes you susceptible to be angered or to reacting to them withoutmeasuredjudgmentintheencounter? Arethereways thatyourDPissimilartoyou? Maybeyouseeinthispersonan aspect of yourself that is easier to spot in the DP, yet we have a blind spot in seeing how similar we are to the difficult person. If it is an uncomfortable question to ponder, that may be a clue towhyitishardtointeractpositivelywiththeDP. Perhaps boastfulness, thoughtlessness, inconsiderateness, tardiness, not listening, disregard for your wishes or expectations is your trigger. Thisistheinterpersonalaspectoftherelationship. Another point to consider is that the DP may be hurting, ill,sleepdeprived,feelingvulnerableorfrightened. Heorshe may not have the psychological reserve to engage with you appropriately because their energy is absorbed by the difficult statetheyarein. Alloftheaboveisa“pre-gamepreparation” foraninterchangewiththeDP. Whenyouaregoingtohave an exchange with a DP, breathe deeply, remain calm and listen carefully. Ofcourse,thisisallcounterintuitive. Wearelikely to be bracing ourselves for a negative interaction, however the key is to remain respectful, and not to raise our voice. Ourworkistofindoutwhathasupsettheperson. Rather than telling them to calm down, a better approach may be to ask themwhathasmadethemangryorfrustrated. Sometimesthis question alone, when asked respectfully, may be unbalancing forthem. TheDPmaynothavebeenexpectingtobeasked aboutwhytheyareupset. Whilelisteningtotheresponse, work to acknowledge points that they make that are accurate. Responding, “I get your point,” can signal that they are being heard. Anotherhelpfulresponsecan be, “I understand why you’re upset.” This is something that virtually all humanbeingsappreciate. Butyourresponsehastobehonest. Don’t say it if you do not feel it. Keeping a distance from the person is also respectful, so thattheydon’tfeelcornered. Certainlynottouchingtheperson makesgoodcommonsensewhensomeoneisangry. Ifyouare the target of a verbal attack, it is reasonable to say to the person, “Pleasedon’ttalktomelikethat”inarespectfultone. Another option to consider is that you can say to the DP, “Hey, I would like to talk more about this, but I’ll step away and we can talk when things are more settled.” Afteradifficultencounter,giveyourselfabreak. Take some time to recharge and acknowledge that you have probably doneasbestyoucaninatoughsituation. Alsoconsiderthat difficult people are like sandpaper – they rub you the wrong way,buttheyalsopolishyoutoshinebrighter. Thesedifficult encounters are opportunities for personal growth, teaching us patience, tolerance and the power of inner strength. If your DP is a family member, you may hold the value that in spite of difficulty with a parent, sibling, partner or child, you stand by them and maintain a welcoming stance to engaging respectfullyandpositivelywiththem. Youmayormaynotshare thisvalue. Thatisyourright. Ifitisavaluethatyouhold,then the question becomes, has this message been communicated to the difficult person clearly, and to all family members? Another perspective regarding DPs is that for our many friends and acquaintances there is an optimal amount of time tospendwiththem. Sometimes,meetingwithafriendoncea monthisfine. Moreoften,anditcanbecomeburdensome,less often,andtheyaremissed. Youtakecareofyourselfandthe relationship when you manage the amount of time you spend withtheperson. Withfriendsandrelatives,itcanbeeasier to manage that amount of time by meeting up with them at a restaurantorparkorstoppingbyforaquickvisit. Sometimes this is better than hosting the person at your home, where it may behardertoendthevisit. Allthisisinthespiritofmakingthe most of time together with people that can be problematic. Generally, it is wise to be careful with using humor in encounterswithdifficultpeople. Proceedwithcaution. When conflict is brewing, sometimes a humorous comment can fall flat. Itmaybeinterpretedasbelittling,dismissiveorinsulting. TheDPmayfeelyouarenottakingthemseriously. Encounters withDPscanbechallenging. Ifyousetagoalofcompleting a conversation without initiating a negative response you can counttheinteractionasasuccessfulone. Youhavesucceeded withoutbeingpulledintotheconflict. Goodluck! n DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE ~ Dr. Terence P. Hannigan is a licensed psychologist in New York and New Jersey. He is a semi-retired psychotherapist who works with both couples and individuals. Trained as a Counseling Psychologist, his focus is working with healthy people who want to use psychological principles to improve the quality of their lives.
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