Desert Health News - January-February 2025

www.canaanhomecare.com Caring for others can be filled with emotions. When you care, you are making a sustained emotional investment in another’s well-being. However, many of the emotions caregivers experience are stressful. According to the Family Caregiver Alliance, some of the primary emotions caregivers experience are anger, resentment, grief, sadness, frustration, guilt, loneliness and depression. The care recipient may be a parent, spouse, child, relative or friend. Their needs often take precedence over your own, and your roles in the relationship may change. Many of these changes trigger stress for the caregiver and can include loss of the relationship as it used to be, difficulty maintaining other relationships and responsibilities, overwhelming demands and physical exhaustion, dealing with a complex health care system and lack of community resources, managing hard-to-have discussions about the future including financial planning and legal documents, and recognizing that life hasn’t turned out as you hoped. The care recipient may also have strong feelings about receiving care. Life and health changes can affect their sense of dignity and independence. While you cannot change or fix their situation, you can be a stronger and more successful caregiver if you take action to manage your own emotions. There are many facets to caregiving and each day can feel like you are in unchartered territory. Finding balance between exploring, coping, understanding and finding a way forward is necessary. Unless your care recipient has cognitive impairment that limits their abilities, try involving them in finding the best path to their care. Dr. WilliamHaley, a professor of aging studies at theUniversity of Florida, was quoted in the New York Times saying, “There comes a point where every caregiver goes, ‘Oh, I’m on another planet now.’” Caregivers experience a rollercoaster of emotions that can feel unpredictable and jarring. As a result, they often feel they are falling short of their own and others’ expectations, and feel guilty that they are not doing enough. Through every emotion, remember to be kind to yourself the way you would be to a friend. Self-compassion is essential to your overall well-being. It’s important for caregivers to recognize and acknowledge what they are feeling. Suggestions for managing your feelings include: • Notice when you’re struggling. Ask yourself, “What are my strong feelings about? What are they telling me?” Extend tenderness and grace to yourself in difficult moments. • Read about others’ experiences and challenges with caregiving. • Set boundaries on how much you can do in a day. There are times when not everything is an emergency. • Talk with people you trust or a therapist who can listen and support you. • Join support groups which offer a safe and trusted place to share your feelings. These communities are available in person and online. • Use some quiet moments when your care recipient is restful or asleep to support yourself. Self-care is essential and can take any form that is good for you, such as taking awalk, reading a book, workingon a puzzle, listening tomusic andmeditating. Journaling is also a great way to express your thoughts, feelings and concerns. Managing the emotional challenges of caregiving can be done compassionately and successfully with the right tools. Help is available as many organizations offer support, assistance, and counseling. Take action and make sure you have the emotional support you need to take care of you and your loved ones. Arlene Gotshalk is the author of "CareGiving Toolkit" and can be reached at (831) 588.3373 or info@caregivingtoolkit.com. Sources: 1) https://www.familycaregiversbc.ca/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/final-draft-of-reprint-Oct-2006.pdf ; 2) https://www.fami - lycaregiversbc.ca/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Our-Aging-Parents.pdf ; 3) https://www.nytimes.com/2024/05/16/well/mind/caregiver- health.html; 4) https://www.caregiver.org/resource/emotional-side-caregiving www.DesertHealthNews.com January/February 2025 Through the Generations The Valley ' s Leading Resource for Health and Wellness 17 www.caregivingtoolkit.com Help is Here One Book for Complete Managed Care that gets everything organized, on track and functioning smoothly. For speaking engagements contact Arlene at info@caregivingtoolkit. com • www.caregivingtoolkit.com Arlene’s many years of caring for her veteran husband and aging parents coupled with 30 years in education and business administration has led to the creation of a Sanity Saving Survival System. 1 in 3 adults provides care for ill or disabled family members or friends. Managing that care can be done compassionately and successfully with the right tools. 41-750 Rancho Las Palmas, Ste. N-1 Rancho Mirage, CA 92270 HCO# 374700391 760.904.4122 x200 C anaanHomeCare.com ADLs: dressing • ambulation • bathing transferring • toileting • grooming IADLs: meal prep • housekeeping • errands medication reminders • transportation Grand Opening of our new Rancho Mirage location Helping 5,000+ Southern California families since 1982 Dedicated concierge care manager and professional caregivers available to support you 24/7 Personalized in-home care solutions for all of life’s cognitive and mobility challenges The Emotional Challenges of Caregiving By Arlene Gotshalk sarcasm to put your partner down. It usually includes an air of superiority, meanness, and can even lead to emotional abuse. According to Gottman’s research, contempt is the biggest indicator of divorce. • An example of contempt: “Once again, I walked into this filthy house after a long day working hard for this family. Why would I expect anything else? I should have known how sloppy you would be, way back when I first met your family.” Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction. Just as it sounds, this occurs when someone in the conversation acts like a stone wall by withdrawing, shutting down and refusing to engage. It may seem like the partner doesn’t care about the other one and is often a response to feeling physiologically flooded. The person stonewalling may look away, remain silent and perhaps cross their arms over their chest. Stonewalling can be especially damaging because it denies the partnership the chance for resolution. • An example of stonewalling: “I’m not going to dignify your criticism with a response. I’ve had a tough day, too.” So, what can you do when you identify these four horsemen in your relationship? • Discuss these communication habits with your partner and the damage they can cause. • Instead of criticism , try what I call a “gentle startup.” Express what you notice, share your feelings and state your needs: - An example of a gentle startup: “When I come home at the end of the day and see dishes in the sink (what you noticed), I feel so tired and frustrated (sharing your feelings), and I really need to walk into a peaceful environment (what you need).” • Instead of defensiveness , take responsibility for your part. - An example of validating your partner: “You are right. The dishes are a mess (validation). I didn’t do them even though I said I would.” • In the case of stonewalling, consider agreeing to take a 20-minute break to stop the feeling of being flooded with emotions. During that time, breathe deeply, go for a walk or find something that calms you down so you can address the conflict in a positive way. Be sure to return to the discussion at the agreed upon time. • Work to build a culture of appreciation. Catch your partner doing something right and express that to them as often as you can. For every negative action toward your partner, Gottman believes you need to counter that with at least five positive actions for a healthy relationship. • If you notice your partner using one of the horsemen, let them know gently and ask them to try communicating differently. • If you catch yourself using the horsemen, apologize and try again. • Create your own special way to stop conflict in its ugly tracks. At my house, we say, “I don’t like where this is headed. Let’s REBOOT!” Dr. Susan Murphy is a best-selling author, business consultant and speaker on relationships, conflict, leadership and goal-achievement. Her newest book, “Leading Successful Teams: How To Create aWinning Culture,” will be published soon. Contact her at Susan@DrSusanMurphy.com or visit www.drsusanmurphy.com. Redirecting Relationships from Disasters to Masters Continued from page 4